Me, Korea & ED

It's been years since I've experienced my first battle with the bad relationship with food. I am nearly 30 and the first time was when I was 14 years old. I say the bad relationship with food because I have never gone forward to get diagnosed. I think it started in an early childhood.

When I turned 3 my mom was going to this cute mom&kid exercises to the community center. It just happened that I was scouted there one day by a gymnastics coach. Gymnastics became my after school life for following 10 years. My first memories of the team, gymnastics and gym are haze, as I was really young, but I do clearly remember one. There was this belt with ropes tied to it, for the coaches to keep the gymnast safe when learning new tricks. There was a girl who was few years older than me, with more experience and a lanky gene. She was better than me in everything! The main coach spent more time with her! I remember this idea passing through my 6~7 years old mind: "She is tying the belt the whole 2 holes tighter than me."

I haven't linked my eating problems to that moment until just recently. If there just was an adult that time reading my thoughts... If there was an adult who'd explain to me, that all these things are happening only because she is years ahead, in the competition valid age group and that not everybody is born predisposed to the body she had. In the early 90s, gymnast was not that bulky and powerful as we are used to seeing now. Now my built would have been most likely ideal...

Anyway, after suffering an injury in both of my feet, I wasn't able to get back to the level of gymnastics I was at before and I gave up somewhere between 12~13 of age. Instead, I decided to take on an offer of the middle school that provided specialized classes for athletically active children and gave them opportunities to compete on school levels in a variety of sports throughout the year.

When I was 14 years old, I have spent three to five hours in the gym, five to six times a day. The transition from gymnastics to much less concentrated group training school sessions didn't help much, though. I have started gaining weight (even when giving training at school daily for at least 2 hours) and I became the "chubby girl in the athletic class". Anyway, when I was 14 I started to cut down on food. Without realizing it, I ended up eating one apple and one plain yogurt per day. I remember it as if it was yesterday, that was it!

In about two months I got really thin, my athletic performance suffered a great deal and my female coach (male coaches kept giving me as an example to other girls who were "too heavy to jump the f**** net") had "the talks" with me. First, she was trying to approach me as a friend asking why I haven't eaten my lunch box. Later she came to the point where she said I'd lose the spot on the team if I don't get back on my feet again. This and my mom seeing me changing my shirt did it. Mom said, that if she doesn't see me eat well again she'd take me to the hospital. So I have started eating normally again (after the period where I threw up pretty much any bigger meal as my stomach wasn't used to eating usual portions anymore). I forgot about dieting, I forgot about all of it. I even got myself my first boyfriend and fell crazily in love. Until high school, where I stopped exercising and started concentrating on grades and education instead. In the second year of four I started to gain weight again, in fourth I hooked up with a guy whose friends were calling me "a queen of whales" (mind me, I was chubby 135 pounds, far from being obese). It didn't help that I have seen him becoming embarrassed about me here and there in front of people. That would probably be where it all started all over again. Only this time in a different shape. I started comfort eating which has stuck with me even after the breakup with the guy and his pack and throughout the university. At my third year at the uni, I came to Korea as an exchange student. At that time I was 182 pounds. Lack of finances to eat properly triggered a weight loss, without me knowing it. I came back home after 6 months 9 pounds lighter with ruined metabolism (at that point pretty much everything that came in was out in a matter of few minutes, and this time not through the mouth...) and I became obsessed with keeping the fat loss going. To cut to the chase, my twenties after that became a concentrated hell of calorie counting, guilt trips to the pantry with snacks, trying out any possible diet that popped on the screen of my computer or TV and daily visits to the gym. The fat loss happened, painfully slowly and without ever having the (financial) opportunity to get professional help, it was all the fear and guilt that controlled it. A few years ago, I've met my husband here in Korea. We met when I was still a bit overweight (158 pounds) and his love made me love myself more once again. I loved myself but still wanted to get into the shape I once was proud of. Meeting my personal trainer friend who helped me get my exercise routine straight and introduced me to the chicken breast diet helped a great deal, too. I became motivated to get the grip of myself. I was still undecided on what I want to do for living, as well and I realized that becoming a professional in health coaching, helping girls NOT to get where I have been, to help women that got where I was (may it be childbirth, poverty, poor eating habits or whatever) to learn how to get to the point of loving themselves again.... So here I am. Nice to meet you, My name is Lenka Kim. I am 30 years old, happily married certified personal trainer living in South Korea. Many people told me that coming out to the public with this, given that I am trying to lead a career of a health coach, is wrong. But... I have met many trainers and coaches throughout my childhood and fat-loss-craze years, and I would have probably felt much better if one of them came to me and told me. "I have been there. You are not alone." The fact is, that especially here in Korea, most of the trainers and health professionals have never been there... I am going to be the trainer I've always wished I'd met. The trainer/health coach who once was actually fat and the trainer/health coach who went through the struggle with bad eating habits. I will keep updating my blog, tackling various eating disorders topics from time to time, because I believe it's important to educate about the issue. And because I believe it's even more important to keep reminding us, foreigners living in a country that is so far behind in acknowledging mental disorders and addictions, that eating disorders are real. That commitment issues are not always coming out of laziness. And that you should never be ashamed of either or be alone on it. Yours faithfully, Lenka Kim

#eatingdisorder #eatinghabits #personal #selfintroduction